Sacrifices
by Beth6787
Summary: Set a fortnight before 'Endgame'. Chakotay decides to tell Kathryn about his fledgling relationship with Seven but he can't bring himself to do it...


Beth6787

14 January y

Sacrifices

Set a fortnight before 'Endgame'. Chakotay decides to tell Kathryn about his fledgling relationship with Seven but he can't bring himself to do it...

It was Thursday evening and he was due at the Captain's quarters in half an hour for their weekly dinner 'date'. Though after tonight, if they continued at all, would no doubt morph into the type of exchange envisaged in the Starfleet protocols. Strictly formalities only: with the venue switching to the Ready Room on a permanent basis. He couldn't blame her. Perhaps it would have been better if they had kept to that scenario all along.

They had - in the early years - the getting to know you stage. Before they were marooned on New Earth for four whole months. After that, well...their relationship morphed from colleagues to friends, then friends with all the "benefits" - bar one. Now, after seven years and two months out here, he was going to...what exactly? Try and rewind time and place their relationship back into the friendly colleagues category? No. It wouldn't play out that way.

If Kathryn still loved him at all she would be deeply hurt and withdraw entirely. They would only speak in public : on the Bridge or in senior staff meetings. If she did not- and at this stage that was the most plausible scenario - then her pride would likely be hurt and the aforementioned would play out regardless.

He did not love Seven, not yet. It was far too early. They were still trying to figure out whether they even liked one another. Their backgrounds were so different not to mention the twenty one year age gap. A whole generation of life experiences before she was even conceived. So far they had had two dates, if you could strictly call them that. Both in Cargo Bay 2 and no one knew. It was their secret alone. He had insisted on her being discreet, citing the excuse of his rank as second in command. Basically using Kathryn's 'parameters' for his own ends. He had to laugh at the irony : the one thing that had kept him and Kathryn separated for seven long years was now being used to facilitate a possible future connection with another woman. It may yet just peter out, but the more of these clandestine dates he had with Seven the more likely she would let something slip. Most likely to the Doctor. Inevitably, sooner or later, rumours would reach Kathryn's ears. And that would be wrong on so many levels.

He had two choices : tell her now or close down any future possibilities with Seven tomorrow. So, he was going to give himself a small chance of a future. One that Kathryn could never offer him out here. They were still thirty four years from Federation space - pretty much all the lifetime he had ahead of him. Perhaps he lacked Kathryn's self control ; stamina ; integrity; call it would you will. But he was lonely, lonelier than he could continue to cope with and the holo-deck did not provide the emotional sustenance he so desperately needed.

He checked his appearance in the mirror one last time and picked up the bottle of Bajoran brandy that Icheb had delivered to his quarters a few minutes ago. The lad had informed him that it was the last one left in his stash and that was somehow fitting for tonight : which would mark the ending of so much for the command team. He took a deep breath and stepped out into the corridor.

—

Kathryn was in a reflective mood. So she was really looking forward to dinner tonight. So much had happened recently, in particular the events around the ship splitting into all those different time frames Chakotay had told her about and then Quarra and all the implications that had brought to light. It had made her realise just how special their relationship was. She had not told him recently just how much she appreciated the lengths he went to for her. They had not discussed Quarra much : the elephant in the room being Jaffen of course. She had had her memories altered but her basic personality and her wants and needs had remained. And she had chosen not to be alone. VERY soon after she had arrived on that planet. That must have hit Chakotay hard, although of course he would never say as much to her...

She looked around her quarters and smiled. So many artefacts gathered from their adventures over the years. Nearly all experiences shared with Chakotay. The wood carvings and sand paintings he had made for her on New Earth; the pocket watch he had given her for her fortieth birthday; the collection of natural objects from various away missions she had assembled for her medicine bundle, along with the leather pouch Chakotay had made to hold it all; even all the 'assistance' devices he had lovingly carved for her after she came back - not on top form physically - from Unimatrix Zero. She could go on. Tonight she had made sure they were all on display.

A peace offering or perhaps a simple thank you and 'I still love you'. She was not sure which. Maybe it was all three. She had replicated his favourite mushroom lasagne and she knew that Chakotay was supplying the brandy. Not synthehol : the real McCoy.

Then she smiled as she caught sight of her latest domestic endeavour lying across the arm of the sofa. The little jacket, booties and bonnet sets she was working on for B'Elanna's baby. Due any day now. She was not sure what colours B'Elanna would prefer so she had started one set in green and the other in red. She would ask Chakotay's opinion. He was B'Elanna's best platonic friend on board. If anyone would know it would be him.

Just then the door chimed. "Come" and she smiled happily as Chakotay walked in.

He glanced around and felt a chill run down his spine. If only she had been in a remote and cold mood...that would have been so much easier on his conscience. Coward that he had become.

—-

An hour later...

Dinner had been pleasant enough, though they seemed to have eaten faster than usual. Perhaps because the conversation had been intermittent at best. He had been trying desperately to find an opening for what had to come whilst she seemed to be ...almost daydreaming. The recently revamped decor had not gone unnoticed. He remembered every object he had given her but they had gradually vanished from display, one by one, over the years. To see them all resurrected tonight, for some reason he could not yet fathom, was unnerving to say the least.

Now they had moved over to the sofa and he was about to pour the drinks. As soon as he had given Kathryn her glass he would begin...

"So Chakotay, I need your help. What do you think?" With that she placed several knitted items in his lap "the green or the red?"

That was a side swipe he had not seen coming. Perhaps he had better get the small talk and pleasantries out of the way over their first glass of brandy. Hell, he could do with the 'Dutch courage' anyway. "I take it these are for B'Elanna and Tom's imminent arrival?"

She rolled her eyes "No, Chakotay. They are a miniature version of an outfit I am knitting for you! Of course they are for B'Elanna's baby girl ! I realised as I started on the booties that I had no idea whether 'Lanna would prefer a traditional Klingon red or perhaps something more soothing such as a calming green. What do you think?"

What he thought was that he had forgotten that Kathryn had this domestic side to her. Now he came to think of it, he remembered that Samantha Wildman had shown him a beautiful blanket and shawl that Kathryn had both knitted and embroidered for little Naomi when she was first born. Chakotay considered the items on his lap. They were beautiful and must have taken Kathryn many hours working late at night in her quarters. He smiled at her "I think B'Elanna will love them all. Tom will want to go for the Klingon Red and 'Lanna will be very grateful for the human option of the soothing foliage green. Most of all she will be very touched that you have gone to all this trouble for her."

Kathryn could feel the emotion welling up and she did her best to suppress it showing too much on her face but her voice still betrayed her heart. "It was really no trouble at all. I was more than happy to make them, as I did for Sam all those years ago. To think Naomi is six years old already..." she swirled what was left of the drink in her glass then reached for the bottle to top it up. "Chakotay?"

He nodded and let her re-fill his glass too. Then she continued to speak.

"I'm forty three years old now Chakotay with no end in sight to this voyage home. It's not as if the chance of having any children of my own could ever become a reality now. It's far too late. Too late for a lot of life's pleasures and possibilities..."

This was an opening of sorts but he just couldn't bring himself to take it. How to tell a middle aged woman who is talking about the loss of the chance to ever have her own children, no less...that you are dating someone of twenty nine with all those possibilities still wide open for her. And for him... So he said the opposite of what he had planned "Forty three is still a good few years from the average menopause. There is still time Kathryn. Who knows what the future holds. A way home could present itself tomorrow. And if it does...well all those possibilities open right up for you once again."

She looked at him intently "Do they Chakotay? I had all but given up hope...then you rescued me from Quarra and I had to learn to be myself again. As the Doctor restored all my memories : I got to re-live them in my mind. Afresh. As did all of us that had been entrapped down there. It made me re-appraise a lot of decisions I have made. Re-evaluate what really matters. Question my...parameters..."

Where WAS this going? He had an idea and it certainly would not lead into the conversation he had intended to have tonight...unless...he would test her...ensure it wasn't just the brandy talking...

"It's been a long journey Kathryn and we have both been chronically lonely for a very long time. So Jaffen was inevitable. I do not blame you. After all I have been tempted too...Riley, Kellin..." he just could not bring himself to add the name 'Seven' to the end of the list.

She reached over and patted him on the shoulder "I know Chakotay and I appreciate your understanding. Here I am worrying about turning forty four when you turn fifty in only eight days time. So if all those possibilities have been left too late for me..." she let the implication hang in the air. They were both in the same boat. At least that is what she believed.

She took a deep glug of the brandy and looked over at him "Do you sometimes miss the children you never had too?"

It felt as though she had hit him with lethal force. Right in the solar plexus. She may as well have done so. "Every time my mind wanders back five years to New Earth. Just for a brief time, the two of us had all the options in the universe didn't we?"

Now she felt it too. That punch to the guts and the fragmenting of her heart and all her faded dreams. "So you have dreamt of it too. The homestead...the family..."

He had to put a stop to this. Now.

"Yes. But Kathryn. They are only pipe dreams. All of them. They always were. Suppose we had been permanently marooned there...if we had had children what would have happened when they grew up? With only their brothers or sisters for company for their entire lives? Play the scene forward and - whichever scenario you go with - it does not end happily. The fact is, in this reality : here in the Delta Quadrant - our only possibilities lie here on this ship. With the rest of the Voyagers."

He had said as much as he could bring himself to tonight. He had sown the seed. If she followed that train of thought then...perhaps tomorrow or the day after, he would tell her and it would no longer come as a shock. Just an inevitable progression of events.

She smiled sadly at him. "You are right, as always. Our crew are our family and Naomi and the Paris's baby our surrogate grandchildren." She picked up the little red shawl and green bonnet "Perhaps I will knit a set in science blue too. That somehow seems appropriate don't you think?"

His heart was breaking as he did his best to smile with his eyes in an encouraging manner. "I think that's perfect. Just as you are the perfect mother for this crew and always will be."

It was time to leave before she sensed just how much he hated himself in that moment. For all the possibilities he had let slip by for her and the opportunities that had just opened up for him.

"Goodnight Kathryn."

She stood and walked over to him then kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Goodnight Chakotay."

He forced himself to walk casually towards the door. As soon as it had shut behind him it was almost all he could manage to stop himself sprinting for the sanctuary of his quarters.

THE END

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